HARRIET NEEDLEMAN
Susan & Barry Benjamin
March, 2000
Dear Harriet,
Thank you for the privilege of being your friend. When we moved to Needham in 1974, we had no idea what was in store for us as we began a long and valued friendship.
Among many memorable times together we recall visiting Jesse when he was born, Book Group, winter fun at Waterville Valley and Park City; especially tending to Howie’s knee injury. We marveled at your ability to look at a T.V. personality’s haircut and determine whether it was the appropriate one for the face! We also enjoyed summer fun at the Cape, dinners together, meeting you at the front of the line at Camp Alton, golfing, Bar Mitzvahs and listening to John Updike.
More important than all the wonderful things we did together was the admiration we had for you and the pleasure we derived from being in your company. You truly have been a "model friend." Although your life ended much too soon, your good humor, intelligence and support will always remain with us.
Love,
Susan and Barry Benjamin
Enrique Bimstein
Me and my wife Galia first met Harriet and Howie in 1998, during Howie's Sabbatical in Jerusalem. At that time, Harriet appeared to us as a kind person, who irradiated goodness with her sincere and candid personality and her warm and solid link to Howie.
We met again shortly in a dental convention in Canada, during the summer of 1999, where she was a most enjoyable company and a great host in the reception of the Harvard School of Dentistry. And, we met again during our Sabbatical in Boston, in September 1999, when she was a superior combination ofbalabuste and idishe mame, very much interested in our well being, helping us to adapt and enjoy Boston, and being a neat and bright host in Needham and New Hampshire.
All this is remarkable in every case, but it is more outstanding since at the time of the meeting in Canada and our stay in Boston Harriet was involved in a harsh struggle with cancer. Even in that overwhelming condition, her love to her family, kindness to all and joy of life irradiated goodness and were more dominant than the fact that she was very ill.
Fear from cancer may be irrational and cause, in many people, to refrain mentioning the word "cancer" and to avoid being with people who have cancer. This was not the case of Harriet! Many wanted to be with her, if she could not go some event, people changed location and came to her.
How would you imagine the situation in which at the time that Harriet was in the hospital receiving urgent chemotherapy treatment, we went to say goodbye since we were going to return soon to Israel? Obviously, when we entered the hospital we had an uneasy feeling due to the circumstances. However, our discomfort disappeared immediately the moment Harriet saw us and greeted us with a big smile and saying "look who is here". Soon, her friend, another patient and his wife, Galia and I were involved in a very happy chat, as if we were sitting in front of the best view in town. This was Harriet, a neat source of comfort, support, joy, and pride.
For us Harriet was a giver and a winner that did not allow cancer to wreck her spirit and her kindness towards her friends; how sorry are we that cancer was able to defeat her body.
Ihiezichra baruch.
Enrique Bimstein
Joe Bonanno (deceased)
November 2, 1999
Dear Howie,
Again, our deepest sympathy and love to you, Joel, and Jesse. It is still difficult to believe that Harriet is no longer physically with us. Her spirit is still very much prevalent and as you said, her voice is there for you. So keep listening.
What was so clearly evident to me, Howie was the quality of the relationship between you and Harriet. Together, you lived to the fullest and were so supportive and enriching to one another. She clearly had the ability to positively focus, expand, and enhance the quality of people's lives. Always staying in touch and helping family and friends. A driving force and beautiful role model in the development and both personal and professional successes of Joel and Jesse. Of course, you share in that, too, and both you and Harriet have a lot to be proud of in your sons. You were and are all blessed with one another.
You credit me, Howie, with introducing you to Harriet and I'm just glad I was at the right place at the right time for both of you. we shared some nice times with our girlfriends during our Rutger's years. I particularly remember the Jack Jones concert and our individual gifts to Harriet (wine and roses) and Robin (roses and lollipops) the next day. Although geographically separated, we got together whenever could be it in Philadelphia, Amish Country, Cape Cod, Boston, Fort Lee, or the restaurant in New Brunswick. All special times.
Parting must be so difficult, but my faith believes that you and Harriet will be together again. In the meantime, Howie, may the love and support of your family and friends, the beautiful memories of life with Harriet, and her voice provide you peace, strength, and continuance,
Love,
Joe Bonanno
Lew Clayman
October 15, 1999
.... I feel so badly for you and for the suffering that Harriet encountered. However, at the same time, I take it as a certainty that the two of you were closer than ever and had the time and opportunity to sample the more profound nature of life and living and to be even more strongly bound together. Often there is a spiritual growth and enlightening that comes from life's great events and I trust that the spirit of God has visited you both.....
Lew Clayman (classmate HSDM 1972)
October 15, 1999
.... I feel so badly for you and for the suffering that Harriet encountered. However, at the same time, I take it as certainty that the two of you were closer than ever and had the time and opportunity to sample the more profound nature of life and living and to be even more strongly bound together. Often there is a spiritual growth and enlightening that comes from life's great events and I trust that the spirit of God has visited you both.....
Lew Clayman (classmate HSDM 1972)
Evelyn & Neil Flint
November 26, 1999
…that last weekend at Muriel and Bob's house we were both alone together and even though she wasn't feeling well, we had a long conversation. It was then that I saw the professional side of Harriet. In our long and rambling conversation, which went from the readings and talks at our local college by Joan Didion, and E L Doctorow (spelling?) which I was attending and she had attended in your area, to autism in children. I had mentioned that
our school was getting three new classes of autistic young people and I was somewhat apprehensive and did not know how or if I had the skill to reach them. I had volunteered to have them once a week in the computer lab. It was then, that I began to understand the depth of her knowledge and her commitment to her work. Harriet gave me a lesson in teaching autistic kids, that was not pedantic, yet, so there was so much in spite and inspiration in the work she had done. She loved her life and all the cultural pleasures of a city like Boston. For the time we spoke her pain and tiredness seemed to alleviate. I remember telling Neil how accomplished she was, that there were so many people inside that little person, and because of time and distance I only got to know one or two of them. I wished you both lived closer to us. I can't help but feel gypped, but each time we met, it was as though no time had elapsed in our comfort with each other. Yet I was so lucky on that chance meeting at the airport when the flight was late and we met the two of you. All the things said at the funeral only reiterated all the things I had only just glimpsed. We saw the celebration of a life well lived, and a person well loved by family and friends. She responded to that and gave us all so much to remember, and smile about. Good memories. And you Howie are much the same, well loved by everyone, for your sense of humor, warmth and a lively interest in everything…
Love Evelyn and Neil
January 26, 2000
…Harriet was such a presence in my life and yet we did not see each other very often. What words could I possibly say to you facing this whole new millennium without her? Weeks have passed and these are a few of my thoughts in lieu of the usual wishes.
Harriet was usually very organized in the neat way she planned and organized things. She was and always will be that feisty shining light that was a part of all of you, and she saw each of you reaching for and achieving many your goals. Now in this new age she will still be watching, but in another dimension….
Evelyn & Neil Flint
This letter to you was started March 15 and since then we have had numerous problems. They still haven't been resolved, but we are escaping for a while and these thoughts and memories of Harriet are always with me. I will continue where I left off, because in addition to everything else we have had computer problems for the last two weeks.
Howie, it is difficult thinking of Harriet without seeing you there, because you were both such an integral part of one another. You could have been on opposite sides of an issue, each presenting your argument, or you were telling us of a wonderful experience you had just enjoyed, or a show, or a book that you had both read or issues involving your sons. By the way, was it only yesterday that you were planning for your first Bar Mitzvah? Throughout the years we knew you and Harriet, you were always so involved in each other. It was the most wonderful passionate relationship in every sense of that word. Her work and yours were intertwined and yet very separate. There are times that I think of Harriet and just smile, because of the good memories. Other times, I just hurt so much that it makes me angry. Why my adorable friend? Then the frustration just brings tears to my eyes, because I will never get to know her better. I can understand why you called her your diamond, there were just so many facets to her. We met at the airport, on our trip to Israel, and the plane was delayed. Harriet approached with her friendly smile and we commiserated on the lack of information. In two minutes we met you Howie, and her mother and father, and we were friends, and Neil and I were not alone anymore. She had a wonderful way of bringing people together, a trait you both shared. The most wonderful thing about Harriet was her enthusiasm and childlike quality, that belied her sophistication. She was interested in most everything, never pretending the intellectual sophistry that so many with her accomplishments might assume. She loved pretty clothes and a good bargain and all the girly things. Yet, during her last visit to Bob and Muriel when she was really not well, and the house was quiet, everybody was asleep or golfing. I mentioned that our school was opening three autistic classes and I was apprehensive. She surprised me with her knowledge of autism and gave me methods that would work with these children. She loved her family, her work, and the life you both were sharing. She loved living in Boston with all its numerous cultural events and sharing good times with your large circle of friends. We spoke of living in a small retirement area where Bob and Muriel lived and she felt she could not enjoy it year round. Her enormous courage, because in spite of the pain she had that day, she felt she might be able to see a few patients a week. It was good therapy for her and she loved her work. Before you went to Israel that last time, we had spoken of going to Las Vegas. She loved the glamour and excitement as I do and although Bob and Muriel had no interest in this we thought it might be fun for a long weekend. I had not been there for
more than twenty years, and then Harriet got sick. We put these plans on hold, and now Neil and I are going, without you and maybe not really without Harriet. She will be with us at every show we see, and all the glamorous places we might visit. Now we are leaving for the airport, just where the four of us met. Harriet, I won't be there for the unveiling, but you will be with us. Howie, we will be in touch.
We do love you,
Eveyln and Neil Flint
David & Carol Greenfield
Harriet: why she was special for us..
Josh and Joel, Jesse and Naomi. With our friendships well-established and our new family growth patterns on the same track, the Greenfields andNeedlemans spent a lot of quality time together in "the formative years."
It's true we all learn from one another, but Harriet was an exceptional teacher. Whether in a group, or one-to-one; whether with music, or the books she loved to read, she always sought to enrich our times together while shunning center stage. These attributes were among her strengths and ones that we will always recall with great fondness and admiration. The Greenfields are a "visual" group who treasure and appreciate the documentary value of images. As we searched our albums of memories, we found these two photographic moments that we feel capture some of the essences we believe were part of why Harriet was special for us. We hope the Needleman family, now and in the future, will fit these images into the big picture of who Harriet was and what she represented to those fortunate to have known her.
Carol, David, Josh and Naomi Greenfield
3/21/00
Karen Goldsmith
Dear Howie: January 22, 2000
So often I find myself thinking about Harriet and how much I miss her.
When I had dinner with both of you one night, I remember her saying to me how I needed to open up more with my friends and ask for help when I needed it. The irony is that she was one of my few friends that I was able to open up to and always felt that I would never be judged. I could always rely on her quick assessment of a situation. She was always on target. She never pulled any punches and had that rare gift of telling things the way they were without ever hurting me.
I was always jealous of her friends who did not have to work full time and were able to share her last months more frequently with Harriet. It is ironic. I did arrange a few different times to spend with Harriet and put in for vacation days so I could do whatever she wanted to and on every occasion, she got very sick and had to be brought into the hospital. Even at the end when you e-mailed me to come be with her one last time, I missed out by that last day. Looking back, I never wanted to impose myself or intrude on your long journey but I should have because I deprived myself of her love and attention. That is a lesson I will always remember and think more about myself in the future. If that is selfish, so be it.
I feel the same comfort level in being able to communicate with you as I did Harriet, and I hope that will continue for us. You are a constant example to me of how to carry myself and fight to live and enjoy life, not just to exist. I am always reminding myself of how I pale by comparison in Harriet’s valiant determination in her last year of life to live it to its fullest and how I am still struggling to forge ahead after my divorce. I know that the best tribute I could give to Harriet would be to start living life to its fullest, take a chance, and don’t worry so much. I recall at the theater recently, you also said that was one of Harriet’s most valuable gifts to you. I hope I don’t disappoint her.
Know that I will always be there for you if you need me.
Love,
Karen Goldsmith
Giddy Holan
January 18, 2000
…. I met you the first time in October 1998 when I came to pick you up from Malkha for a tour in Jerusalem. I cannot explain it, but from the first moment I saw you, I had a feeling as if I met you already and know you for years. This feeling became stronger and stronger during the next days. It was, therefore, a shock for us to learn about Harriet's sickness. During the time we spent together in Toronto you gave us the feeling we are more than just friend, almost like family. It was so easy to get close to both of you and become friends, definitely because of your warm and open personality. The personality that made you share your hard moments with everyone. No wonder you had so many friends, who encouraged you and were with you in your when you needed them. We were proud to be part of the "Friends of Harriet and Howard" even though we were not "old" friends. We prayed for Harriet together with all your friends. We put a note between the stones of the Western Wall asking for her quick recovery. We gave her a talisman for health believing it will help. It was so obvious for us that Harriet would overcome the sickness. It was so clear to us that it is only a matter of time before we get the good news. The bad news overwhelmed us. We didn't believe; we couldn't accept it; we didn't know how to handle the situation that was so unexpected for us. I lost my words. I do not understand why. Howard, I wanted to ask you to understand, but how can I if I don't understand it my self. Howard, we never stopped thinking of you, even though we didn't write. We still care for you as before and hope our silence will not affect our future relations.
Love you as before,
Dorit and Giddy Holan
Nickie Kates
January 1, 2000
Dearest Howard,
Remembering our arrival in Boston isn’t hard to do. Alison and my pregnant self drove from Connecticut through a pouring June rain. Too poor to afford a car with air conditioning, we struggled with a foggy windshield (blamed on the dog, of course) which could only be alleviated by opening the windows. We survived the pelting of heavy raindrops blowing into the car to find George awaiting us at our Watertown address. He was perched at the entry to our 2nd and 3rd-floor apartment, directing movers to basement storage or upstairs rooms according to the careful labeling of the boxes. His hip to toe left leg cast didn’t make the movers sympathetic enough to carry all the appropriate boxes upstairs. George’s immobility was the perfect opportunity to stack the basement with as many misdirected boxes as possible.
What a ray of sunlight began to shine upon us a few days later when George met you, Howie. In short order, we were both blessed with meeting you and Harriet. Your warmth and compassion enveloped us in the most inviting welcome we’d experienced anywhere before or since. Over time, our regard for one another grew; as did my "tummy." Meredith was born on December 14, 1973. Our sweet baby girl was to forever seal our bond to you.
Living in Boston, far from any relatives, we were eager to extend our proximate family. George and I agreed our favorite couple should be Meredith’s "godparents." They were a Jewish woman and a Jewish man, Harriet, and Howard Needleman. With George and I having been raised in Presbyterian and Episcopalian congregations, we imagined lots of choices regarding the ceremony. In reality, we embarked on a long and winding path. After at least twenty phone calls to churches and an equal number of rejections, I found myself on the campus of a seminary school in Cambridge meeting with someone who held the potential to officiate the ceremony. I can hear the older man dressed in black with white collar explaining that "godparents" are spiritual guides. Yes, I think to myself, we feel this also. The pastor is kind. He patiently begins to explain how it is not possible for a practicing Jewish couple to guide our child because of the vast divide in belief. He is now talking "religious" guide, not "spiritual" guide and we are no longer on the same wavelength. I politely sit while my mind recalls where I parked the car. Out of respect, I resist an urge to hunt through my purse for the car keys.
Somewhere along this winding way, in one of those dozens of calls someone said, "Call the Unitarian church, they’ll do anything!" I called. And they did. The simple solution to our dilemma was to compose and conduct our own ceremony. And this is exactly what we did – with the Unitarian pastor standing by our side in a lovely local park. That "do anything" Unitarian pastor did something. He legitimized our need. He recognized the deeper-than-religion connection we had and sought to perpetuate with you and Harriet. He sanctified it by saying "yes." When he said yes, I heard, "I will help you make a sacred vow." Did I ever tell you, Howard, that you and Harriet inadvertently led us to our spiritual home of Unitarian Universalism? It is an enormous gift born of Meredith and the unconditional love you and Harriet extended to us.
To this day our alliance with you and Harriet is one of our greatest blessings of the last twenty-six and then-some years. The depth of the loss of Harriet is beyond language. But I want to try to express some of what Harriet meant to me.
From the beginning, Harriet’s vivacity and spirited approach to life refreshed and sustained me. She gave me a few specific gifts. First, she was the ONLY friend I have had (family included) who consistently and fully comprehended Dan, his disabilities and my relationship to him as his mother. Over Dan’s twenty-three years, no one but Harriet could be my confidant on these matters. I could fearlessly express my mind and heart, be heard and understood. She was sympathetic, empathetic, helpful and always wise. Another prized given was her unfailing ability to wed realism with optimism; then infuse that combination with perspective. This was the essence of the offering she freely gave me over and over again.
That must be how, in the face of death, she had the grace to leave her boys with her wisdom and you, Howard, with the instruction to enjoy life. I am sad she is not here in this world. But as she would say, "Of course you are sad to lose a friend, but you’ll remember so many good times and you are better for having had such a special person in your life. That will remind you to make the most of the goodness in life." Her words, real and imagined, play in my head on request. Harriet lives on in my heart and soul. She consoles and counsels me. Harriet lives in honored memory and as inspiration to be my best self, even when it’s hardest to do. And I am forever grateful to have been blessed with her friendship.
"Harriet was the all-time greatest 'godmother' any child/adult could have. She brought so much generosity and enthusiasm to my Meredith. I'm proud of myself for selecting the two of you and will forever be
grateful that my beautiful Meredith had all the blessings that were Harriet. We'll miss her worldly intervention but still seek her wisdom in our thoughts and prayers."
Howard, this testimony of what Harriet meant to me is about my joy and pain of loving and losing. I cannot understand how you are coping with your pain. The awesome chasm you face daily is unthinkable, unknowable. When we speak, I hear your wound and have only my ears to offer. Still, in your grieving, I hear the fullness of your heart. Your own love of life and enthusiasm are now focused on a full commitment to mourning. But you, Howard, are still you; changed forever, yet unchanged in that you approach even this most awful loss with your all. You are ever the man I have grown to love; the man that fills me with the promise of our future together.
Love always and in all ways,
Nickie Kates
Sue Lev
Harriet was:
Always busy and on the go.
A true achiever.
A person who never over-stepped personal boundaries.
A fabulous teacher
Especially when it came to golf.
Her advice was golden to me and never made me feel lowly for picking her brain.
A fearless skier who was always ready for a challenge.
The opposite of me.
A good listener.
A compassionate friend who would help me resolve personal issues.
I will always miss her for no other friend combined all of these qualities.
Harriet was unique.
I will miss her always.
Sue Lev
David Moskowitz
Dear Howie, Joel and Jesse,
I just want to send you some thoughts for the album you are putting together. I hope that I am not too late.
I have no single remembrance that would serve to best memorialize Harriet or even to characterize her. Perhaps that is too simplistic a concept anyway, thinking that a person can be defined by moments or examples. To know and love Harriet was to cherish her for the totality of her being.
Harriet always made the people around her feel better about themselves. She was one of the most supportive persons I have ever known. One could talk to her about whatever problems one was facing and receive thoughtful, incisive advice. She was a great sounding board because she truly listened and never interjected her own feelings but rather truly tried to provide the answer to the question posed from the other person’s perspective instead of responding simply from her own, as most people do. Harriet never gave one the feeling that she was simply politely asking how you were but rather that she really cared about the response. Her warmth, sincerity, modesty and intellect just made you feel good to be around her. I personally know of no higher compliment to extend.
While I knew how important Harriet’s work was to her and sensed that she was a talented speech therapist, it was only after her death that I came to understand just how remarkable she was in her field and the depth of the passion and gratitude that her students and their parents felt for her. This typifies what Harriet was all about, her modesty keeping her from bragging about her talents.
You certainly do not need me to tell you what a wonderful wife and mother Harriet was. The closeness of your family unit attests to that much better than any words I can offer. All I can say in this respect is that she is the only one I know who could give Ellen a full challenge in that regard. We will always warmly treasure the family times we spent together celebrating the
Holidays.
Sincerely,
David Moskowitz
Debbie Mozes
November 22, 1999
That was an incredibly insightful note from a kid that age. It certainly sums up the impact Harriet had on people. I, myself, feel cheated that I just became close with her this last year. She touched my life in a way that is hard to explain. Her courage and lack of self pity was such an inspiration. I was in awe of the way she always looked on the bright side of things and lived each day to the fullest. Harriet was a true friend and is always in my thoughts….
Debbie Mozes
Mary Nickles (deceased)
November 5, 1999
Dear Howie,
It was from Meredith that I first heard of the death of your beloved Harriet. I felt a storm within my heart and I burst into sobs.
This beautiful, vivacious, compassionate, knowledgeable young woman, loving wife and mother - dead.
I wept for you and your sons and I wept for Meredith, and Alison and Danny and Nickie and George for I know how overwhelming painful such a loss is....
Yet, it is strangely comforting to repeat Tennyson's lines;
"I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have love at all."
In sympathy, dear Howie, and
Much love,
Mary Nickles (Nickie Kates' mother)
Mary Jane Ott
Dear Howard,
I was so saddened to learn of Harriet's death. I will always remember her courage and energetic spirit. She found such joy in her life with you and other family and friends. And you were such a gift to her. I remember her telling me how much she treasured you and your love and support of her. May you be blessed and surprised by joy and wonderful love shared with Harriet.
Know that we continue to hold you close to our hearts,
Sincerely,
Mary Jane Ott (Dana Farber Social Worker)
Anne & Steve Puchkoff
"The Trouble with Harriet"
While sitting Shiva at the Needleman's house Anne noticed a book lying around, The Trouble with Harriet by Dorothy Cannell. Howie told Anne that this was the last book Harriet had been reading. She had not finished the book. This was a library book and Howie said he was planning to keep it. Anne told him that she would take care of it, and then Anne told Steven the story and to take care of it.
For Steven, one of the lasting memories of this incident will be what Blanche DuBois was heard to say, something about "the kindness of strangers." After a few telephone calls, Steven reached the head of the Westwood public library, which owned the book. Steven told her how the woman reading this book had passed away, and how her husband wished to keep the book. The librarian was instantly understanding and accommodating.
She removed the book from the computer so that it would never be overdue. Steven offered to replace the book but the librarian explained that their cost was less than Amazon or any other source and that she would send a bill and not to worry.
But that's not the trouble with Harriet.
ThePuchkoff's first met the Needleman's when the Needleman's lived on Mallard Road, around the corner from Hancock Road, where the Puchkoff's still live. This was 1976. The Needleman's subsequently moved to a much bigger, nicer house. As the children grew, the families often exchanged visits, skiing or at Cape Cod, a birthday party and sometimes a Seder would bring them together. If we had not seen each other in a while, Anne & Harriet made some plan to get together for dinner. As the kids grew older, we saw less of each other. The kids started to go to a "grown-up" dentist and Steven was always traveling. But these two families were always friends. In the late 90's, Howie and Steven were in a poker group together, and Anne and Harriet played Mah Jong together.
When Harriet got sick, we saw more of each other. Harriet and her family became a permanent presence in our daily thoughts, and often in our actions. It became important to see her as much as possible. We canceled other plans so we could have dinner with her at the Kam's. We were thrilled to run into her (and Howie) in the Berkshires. We went to a "healing service" together and so on and so forth. A thousand memories.
That's the trouble with Harriet. Her last year. She handled herself, her family, her friendsand her sickness with such composure, class and intelligence that it is hard not to think of this last year when we think of Harriet. But she was much more and her life was much more than just that last year. The trouble with Harriet is to never forget 1976 through 1998. Those who knew her longer have an even longer problem. Harriet was exemplary in 1999. We will remember Harriet in 1999 with love and sadness and appreciation. But the trouble is to not let those be the only memories.
Anne and Steve Puchkoff
Diana Ram
It's a long time I didn't write a message. I was thinking about the great project that you are doing now..... Harriet's memory book. I met Harriet & you for the first time here in Israel, in October 1998... I remember that you both made me feel so good, you were so friendly, that without any formal invitation we had dinner together at home. since then, we met only a few times during your visit in Israel and after that we met last year in Toronto (I remember that Harriet was having chemotherapy any and she was so ill but so strong!!!!) there's something that I always remember when I think of Harriet...her smile and her sweet voice!!! I'm not so good at writing and I don't know why but I wanted to write u all this...
I'll keep in touch...
Shalom!
Diana Ram
Evy Silver
"Memories of Harriet"
In sixth grade, the girls and boys from several Fort Lee elementary schools merged into one junior high. That is when I first met Harriet, who quickly became one of my best friends. She was the shortest member of our group -- small in stature, but large in energy, intellectand heart. She was the glue that held our group of friends together, the spark that kept us energized.
After high school graduation, Harriet went off to Rutgers and I headed north to Tufts. But our friendship was strong enough to survive the distance. When Howie came into the picture, Harriet asked him to find a friend so we could "double date." Howie picked one of his hundreds of pals and the next thing I knew we were sitting in Harri's rec room playing strip poker--which I am sure was Howie's idea!
When I met Warren (my husband to be), he and Howie quickly became friends and suddenly it was four amigos. Harriet came often to Boston to visit Howie in dental school; we spent many evenings together. After their wedding, Warren and I often visited their adorable apartment in Harvard's grad housing.
Fast forward a bit and Harriet and I are both mothers of two sons. One memory always brings a smile to my lips. Harri and Jesse visit one summer. She and I and our two youngest spend a night in our cottage on a Maine lake. At that time, the place was very rustic. Picture Harriet, dressed to kill, hair and nails perfect, sitting in this shack listening to strange night sounds. The babes are sleeping peacefully when suddenly a flying squirrel races across a ceiling beam to his cozy nest in a closet! Harriet screams, we stay up most of the night, and pull up stakes as soon as the boys awaken. She never returned to the lake house, though I kept reassuring her that we had renovated, and removed all traces of wildlife.
On a more serious note, it was Harriet that I turned to when one of my boys had a speech problem that no one could diagnose. She did and set us on the right path to getting the right help. That was Harriet, extremely competent but in a calm, self-effacing way that made you feel good about yourself.
The world was a better place for me when she was here.
Evy Silver
Nancy Skolnick (deceased)
November 2, 1999
Dear Howie,
.... Harriet leaves behind such wonderful memories and so much inspiration for all her family and friends. She was bright, warm, understanding, patient, brave, funny and she was an extraordinary wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, and teacher.
She left quite a legacy and so much joy; plus, she was so brave, and so were you. Her spirit will always shine within all who loved her.
Nancy Skolnick
Marilyn Yas
Guys,
Nothing that I can say or do will help.... been there - done that. But, I can lend you a most treasured possession. May love bring you strength and comfort. May you heal and never forget love shared.
Fondly,
Ms. Marilyn Yas
P.S. It's just a loner.. I want it back
Skiing patch with a black diamond and inscription saying "NO GUTS NO GLORY" that Jesse gave Ms. Yas - Joel and Jesse's first-grade teacher at the High Rock elementary school.
Ellie Fitzig (Douglass roommate)
3/8/2000
I'd like to come and see you sometime and read Harriet's Douglass diary with you. It would be interesting to compare her observations. I remember how we both sat on our beds every night and scribbled away. She had a great gift for appreciating and relating to people. I dated a lot those first two years at Douglass, but usually related better to guy friends than to other women. Harri was an exception. Once we stopped living together, we saw each other rarely, and I felt that I'd lost her. When she died, I felt that I'd lost her all over again. On her birthday, I'll delete her e-mail address from my online address book. So far I haven't been able to do that. Sometimes rituals help.
2/14/2001
Dear Howie,
I sat down at the computer this morning to send you a Valentine when--as if you knew--your message suddenly appeared on the screen about Harriet's online memorial. Thank you for this wonderful gift. I can't imagine a more beautiful tribute. I started it about 11:30AM, and did not get up from my chair until I finished reading everything and looking through all the photos, nearly three hours later. And when I finished, I was shaking. I was so moved by Harriet's impact on the world.
I think that Harri would have been overwhelmed, astounded, and also very proud of this outpouring of love. I would not be at all surprised if she
already knows about it. I feel her presence every day, guiding me through many uncertain, challenging issues--I ask myself, What would Harri do?--or sharing her love, which I feel enveloping me like a blanket of sunshine.
Recently she sent me a particular gift.
I was unpacking one of the zillion boxes piled up to the ceiling in the
basement of our rental home, when a manila envelope fell out of the carton,
containing the first letter Harriet ever sent me, just before our two years
together as Douglass roommates. It was addressedto: Miss Ellen Schwartz, postmarked August 26, 1966, from North Bergen, NJ. Here's what it says:
"Dear Elly,
I really love hearing your voice on the phone or getting your letters which are really great.
I'm not too great at writing about myself because I always wonder
if what I'm writing is true through my eyes only or if everyone sees the
same thing in me.
Camp is over tomorrow and I'm really sad. - All summer I alternated
between loving my job and complaining about how hard I was working for a salary that is so small it can hardly be seen under a microscope [spelling
s terrible]. But the kids are really sweet. The only trouble is that working with 4-year-olds is like being a mother rather than a counselor. I'm constantly tying shoelaces or comforting a crybaby. If I go back next year I'll ask for 6-year-olds. - Much more mature.
Well, I've been thinking - after all the talking I've been doing on the phone (and I know my mouth really moves fast at times) you know really very little about me.
I suppose I could be called normal but I hate to be classified and that title seems worse than any other. I'm a bit of a nonconformist - in my thoughts mostly (I don't go around dressed like a beatnik or a Mr. Cool from the Village).
I love reading, writing, doing things with people I like, almost all kinds of music; I adore going into the city to see shows. I just saw "Man of La Mancha" on Tuesday. Before that I saw Ethel Merman in "Annie Get Your Gun" at Lincoln Center - it was really fabulous.
My hair dryer broke. I think I'll have to get a new one. I got a letter from my Soph Sister today - She's from Union, N.J. and is in our dorm too. She wrote loads of nice things and she sounds like a very sweet girl. She said she'd like to help me solve any problems I have but I hope I don't have too many.
I think this letter is very skippy around, but that's the way my mind works. 'Sorry about that'.
Do you have long fingernails? I love them and think they're beautiful but mine always break before they get there.
Are you for or Against the War in Vietnam? I despise all war and I
wish we could get out now. I feel very strongly about this but I do not
consider myself unpatriotic by any means. However, if anyone has a good
argument I always have an open mind (at least I try to.)
Well - it's late now and I have to wake up at 7:30 so I've got to go to bed. I'm leaving on my vacation early Sunday morning. I hope I'll have a good time - I'll send you a card.
Have a nice weekend - Happy Packing!
Love,
Harri"
December 2, 1999
…Thanks so much for sharing C.J.'s piece with me. I was astounded since what I remember most clearly about Harriet is her voice. I hear her in my head so often and see her in my mind's eye that her not being here is incomprehensible to me….
Vivian Grossman, Douglass 1970
January 2000
"Although I have not been in contact with Harriet since leaving Douglass 30 years ago, hearing of her death left me with a real sense of loss. I was House Chairman in Corwin M Harriet’s sophomore year, and her vibrant idealism inspired and energized me. Ultimately, I spent 11 ½ years teaching physics in an urban school district, but much of my idealism began with long conversations in the dorm with Harriet."
Maryjane McCloskey Finne, Douglass ’70
"Although I have not been in contact with Harriet since leaving Douglass 30 years ago, hearing of her death left me with a real sense of loss. I was House Chairman in Corwin M Harriet’s sophomore year, and her vibrant idealism inspired and energized me. Ultimately, I spent 11 ½ years teaching physics in an urban school district, but much of my idealism began with long conversations in the dorm with Harriet."
​
Kay Bard Gordon Paletz - Douglass 1972
January 20, 2000
…I was writing you to tell you how terribly upset I was to hear of Harriet’s passing. She was my house chairman in Corwin back in 1968 when I was in Douglass…Harriet was so wonderful to us freshman. I still picture her and hear her voice. …..
Jail Katz Dezube
February 2000,
Dear Howard,
I have just heard about Harriet's death through the Douglass network. Harriet was my house chair (her junior year, my first year). I can remember her great sense of humor and enthusiasm. I still have the first letter she wrote to me over the summer, describing Corwin. Although we have not kept in touch since then, I will never forget that year. I remember how her face would light up whenever she spoke of you, and how we joked about "Dr. Needleman" - should we change your name? ...